


I want to cry, but there are no more tears left

by aste_roid



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Other, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-06 11:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aste_roid/pseuds/aste_roid
Summary: Losing a friendship hit him hard. Hit him enough to end it all.





	1. Chapter 1

Smitty sighed as he logged onto skype. He wasn't in the mood to record and play games right now, but his abscence was getting noticed.

He was welcomed by his friends already yelling. They were gonna play some prop hunt today.

"What has been going on with you?", Craig asked me when we paused our recording to take a small break. He sounded worried.

"You are never this quiet, what happened?", Marcel followed Craig's question, sounding worried like Craig.

"Nothing's wrong guys, I've just been a little tired and not in the mood for games." , I said, putting in a smile for good measures. They couldn't see me scratching my arm, some of the cuts opening again.

"We're here if you wanna talk, okay? Whatever it is." Craig smiled at me. They couldn't see that my smile was fake and tired.

"Thanks guys", I said, hoping I fooled them. Guess it worked because in a couple of minutes we returned to our game.  
I could feel something dripping down my arm. The cuts opened..damnit. Thankfully we finished the rest of the game quickly. I could go and tend to my cuts now.

It was hard looking at my arm and not wishing to end everything. My thoughts have gotten worse. My hatred towards myself has gotten worse. I just wanna end everything, I'm tired. Everything is getting hard. I just wish I never opened my mouth. I should have kept my crush a secret, like I've been doing since I met him. John. I wish I never told him. I wish I still had my best friend with me. I wish I had the person who helped me before. Who has been helping me everytime I did something. Who has been there for me since he first saw me destroy myself.

I let my tears fall as I remembered our last conversation.

\--------

 

"What's up with you? You've been really quiet with me lately. Did I do something?", John asked me when our friends left after our game of CS:GO.

"N-no, you didn't do anything. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.", I said feeling nervous, thinking that John somehow found out about my crush.

"Wanna talk about it? You know I'm here for you.", he said, smiling at me making me blush hard. How can somebody have such a beautiful smile? How can somebody be so perfect?

"No, it's okay now. I'm fine." I said, smiling to try and show that it's okay and that we can drop this subject. Life hates me, obviously.

"Okay, whatever you say. I'm here if you change your mind and want to talk about it.", I relaxed, happy that he isn't telling me that I'm disgusting for liking my best friend.

"Thanks, John."

"There's something else I wanted to ask you.", John said, turning playful once again, his voice holding an amused tone. God damnit, he needs to stop this. My heart can't take that voice.

"Go for it.", I said

"I saw something while we were on PAX.", he said and winked at me, smirking. What is happening?

"W-What did you see?", I said, my voice shaking slightly, the nervous feeling returning in full swing.

"I saw that little notebook of yours.", he said, making me panic immediately. The notebook? I write a lot of things in that book, but amongst everything, I wrote my feelings for him in there. If he saw it and read it, I'm done. I'll lose my best friend.

John, noticing my breathing and my panic, quickly said "I haven't opened it, don't worry. I know how protective you are of that thing."

"How did you find it?", I said trying to calm my breathing.

"It fell out of your laptop bag when I moved it while cleaning the room a bit. It opened to some page. I didn't open it, it just fell and opened to that page." he said, confused by my behaviour over a notebook.

"W-What did you s-see?"

"I saw a bunch of little texts. You writing about someone you love. I just saw those texts and then I saw the letter J written on the bottom the page surrounded by hearts. Who is J? Do I know her? Why didn't I know you liked someone?", he said, smirking at me. Fuck my life.

"Uhh it's nothing, ignore what you saw." , I hoped he couldn't hear the panic in my voice.

"Why don't you want to tell me? Why are you so worried? I thought you trusted me." , his voice held a bit of hurt.

Maybe I should tell him. Even if he doesn't like me back, at least I will get it of my chest. Maybe he won't hate me.

_Maybe he will hate me._

"Promise you won't hate me. Promise you will stay my friend." , I said, trying to calm myself down enough to tell him. I'm about to reveal one of my biggest secrets. The only secret John doesn't know.

"Why would I hate you? What's wrong? Is everything okay?", he said getting worried.

"I like you. I have liked you for a long time. I was afraid to tell you, that notebook was a way for me to get some of my feelings out so I don't blurt something out to you. I like that we are close and I like that we can cuddle but I hate that all it is to you is friendship while I wish we were more. I wish I was able to hug you and cuddle with you in a way that isn't just friendship. I wish we were more than friends.", my voice is shaking and I think I'm gonna cry. I made a mistake, I could see that by his expression. Fuck me.

Tears started falling down my face slowly as he stared at me, shocked. Disgusted.

"Sorry bro, but I just don't feel that way towards you. I think of you as a friend. As a best friend. But this is a bit too much. Let's just lay off a little bit, don't play together for some time.", he said, not even looking at me. _I can feel my heart breaking._ I just lost my best friend. Because of a stupid crush. I'm such an idiot.

I couldn't even reply to him. What do I even say? 'Yeah, let's not see eachother anymore. Thanks for breaking my heart.' But I broke my heart myself.

I didn't say anything, I turned everything off and just sat in my chair before breaking down. I was sobbing into my hands, trying to muffle my crying a bit. I just lost my best friend.

\---------

It's been a month since we last talked. It's been a month without our random texts and conversations. I wish I never said anything, I wish I kept it to myself. Maybe I could've still had my friend if I kept my mouth shut.

My wrists ached, covered in bandages. They've been like that for a month. My nights are spent crying. It hasn't been like that since John found out about my depression. He helped me stay clean and it actually worked. Until now.

I just really miss him. I miss his smile and his laugh. I miss his voice. I miss him telling me that he's here for me and that it's gonna be okay. I miss his support. I miss him.

I want to end everything. I don't want to live anymore. Everything just got worse and worse.

I decided that tonight is the night. I'm done.

I prepared everything. My razor and pills. I decided not to write a letter, no one cares anyway. The guys might care but no one lives in Canada so I'm kinda alone now. I texted all of the guys, saying that I love them and thanked them for being my friends. I sent John a separate message.

"Thank you for being there for me when I needed you. Thank you for always making me laugh and for being the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for all the memories and all the fun times. I'm sorry I ruined our friendship, I wish I never told you. I wish I never lost you. I love you and I always will, you were my first crush after all. My first love. Thank you. I'm sorry. I love you."

This is it. Goodbye everyone. Goodbye John. I love you.


	2. Hold Me Tight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so late with this part, school has been killing me and I didn't have time for sleep lol  
> I hope this isn't as bad as I think it is. I tried to make it shorter but happier, but I don't think I did a good job.  
> Hope everybody likes it :)

I didn’t do it. I accidentally called my friend Jack when I finished sending the messages. My hands were shaking and I called him. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. He immediately knew what’s going on. He stayed in the call with me till he got to my place and saw me on the floor with my arms and thighs bleeding and tears streaming down my face. I didn’t cut deep enough. I keep making mistakes. I can’t do anything right. He sat on the floor with me in his lap crying. He was crying as well. I can’t help but hate myself for calling him. I would have been dead by now if I didn’t screw everything up.

\----------------------

It’s been a week since that day. Nobody called me because Jack told them what happened and told them to give me time. He didn’t tell them the final reason for all of this. I don’t think I could survive losing all of them as well. I wish John was still talking to me. I know Jack yelled at him when he called him. I wish I never told him. I wish I never made that mistake. I wish I never fell in love with him. I wish he was still my friend. This morning, I woke up to my phone ringing. It was John. He’s probably calling to tell me he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.  
"Hello?"  
"Hey, it’s John. I heard what happened and I got your message. I’m sorry.” he said making me confused as to why he’s apologizing. I’m the one that should apologize.  
"Um, why are you apologizing? I’m the one who should apologize. I never should’ve fallen in love with you and I never should’ve told you."  
"I’m not mad nor do I hate you for liking me. I hate the thought that someone is going to break your heart someday but I hate myself the most knowing I did it first. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did, I just didn’t know what to say to my best friend saying he has a crush on me when I thought he was straight. I hate that I made you think I hate you and that I made you think I don’t want top be your friend anymore. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that. Jack told me everything when he called me. I deserved every bit of his yelling. I hate that my reaction is what caused you to make the decision to end your life. I hate knowing I wasn’t a good friend to you because I didn’t notice anything before. I didn’t notice you starving yourself. Hurting yourself. Hating yourself. I’m so sorry for not talking to you for so long and for being a dick to you. I hope you can forgive me because I don’t want to lose my best friend.” he said, breaking my heart a bit more. Breaking it because I can see how sad he is but also sewing it back together a bit because I have my best friend back. He doesn’t hate me.  
"I forgive you, of course. I’m so happy you are talking to me again. I knew I made a mistake by telling you, no matter how bad that sounds. I do wish I never told you and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry for falling in love with you but it was hard not to. I wish we can go back to how we were. I want my best friend back. I'd rather have you with me as a best friend. I'm sorry for not talking to you before. I just didn’t want anyone to know what I was doing to myself. As bad as it sounds, I didn’t want anyone to stop me. ", I said with tears rolling down my face slowly. I don’t know if they’re sad tears or happy tears. Sad because of everything that has happened or happy because I have John back. He doesn’t hate me.  
“I am kind of flattered that you like me but I’m sorry for not feeling the same. We are going to have a talk about everything as soon as we see eachother. I’m just so happy you are alive.”

\------------------------------

It’s been a couple of months since it happened. I’m getting a little better. Jack and the guys are helping me get better. But John is doing the most. He’s the one that talks to me in the middle of the night when I start having bad thoughts again. He’s the one who is patching up my scars and healing my heart. I still like him, but I know nothing can happen between us. I wish we were together but I’m glad I have him as a best friend. He teases me a bit about the whole crush thing but he doesn’t do it in a mean way. I love him so much. I think I will always like him a bit because he is the first person I ever fell in love with. I’ve liked other people and dated other people, but he is different. He will always be the first person I fell in love with. But he is here with me and that’s all that matters.


End file.
